Seeking Advice: Subduing my Ego (overcoming sabotage)
Feb 8, 2015 22:32:29 GMT -5
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Post by oaknell on Feb 8, 2015 22:32:29 GMT -5
Backround (can skip)
:
So, to explain this more fully I'll need to go into some background on myself. A good long time ago back in 2002 I had an epiphany that resulted in myself being reborn (spiritually) overnight after performing rudimentary ritual magic (I didn't know what that was at the time) in raising energy overnight into the morning, going into a trance and coming out of it very opened up spiritually. The ritual was very well intended, I wished goodwill for humanity and wanted personally to make a difference by bringing hope and happiness to the world. It's hard to fully describe but I still remember it well, I felt like a radio tower emitting pure goodwill...it was very powerful, but my mind wasn't at all prepared to deal with all of this. At a point a doubted myself after being hurt from hearing the opinions of people I trusted whom didn't think I could hear them, and the whole experience slowly turned negative from there. It was well intended but I was too young and inexperienced at the time to handle all of that. I sought help from councilors at school, eventually word got to my parents and eventually I wound up in a child's psychiatric ward for a month. I still don't remember the first two weeks but I was put on powerful medication that numbed me in a lot of ways and for the most part blocked out a lot of the spiritual things I was opened up to.
I've since recovered from most of that, doubt is still somewhat a problem for me (personal emotional doubt as to my ability) but I well understand that whole situation a lot better now. That was my first awakening and was a pretty mixed experience, to the point of me trying to be the person I was before it and somewhat succeeding. But some doors can never be closed, and I couldn't just let it go...so I'm where I'm at now. I understand a lot more about the phenomena of what happened to me (and what I created for myself) and generally understand a lot more now mentally and spiritually, and I can define the difference from my perspective. For a long time I tried intellectualizing spiritual things...and while some of those things can be understood in that way it's not best to do so, in my opinion. Doing that it moves them out of the context they're intended and it loses a lot. At a point I learned (with some advice from a good friend, actually) that with those things it's best to simply experience them and I developed an ability to understand spiritual concepts on a more fundamental level. I recommend learning to take those experiences within their context and let your intuition work it out, not your mind...my mind always made a dramatic mess with stories and explanations and really went the extra mile in the creative department to keep myself emotionally satisfied. Anyhow, I learned not to do that after a while or at least not to take those stories as more then myself creating drama in my mind as an outlet for this doubt and uncertainty. I think it would be easy for younger practitioners of any esoteric art that involved an extensive use of the mind not to get caught up with one's Ego and that to become the focus of your time and effort.
Since that awakening I've spent a lot of time learning to trust myself again (eliminating doubt), and finding personal methods to testing if what I'm experiencing is 'true' or not. I now understand that pretty much everything I experience is 'true' in the context of where it actually happens (in the mind, or astral, or wherever I happen to be with my experience of it). Most of my experiences have taken place in my own mind's eye. Aside from myself influencing things here in the physical world (which I don't do much of) and having some effect with either energy working or basic psychic stuff, all of my experiences have been limited to my mind's eye (perception), my energy body and my own mind for my experience of it. I don't know if this is common, I don't really expect to fully hallucinate and spirits or entities to materialize in front of me. But I know that I couldn't handle it if I fully experienced some of the entities that I've run into and factualized them into my reality by experiencing them like I would a physical person...it would be much much harder to dismiss as being 'not real' or at least not of the physical. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm still breaking down that idea of what is and isn't real to me, and I'm pushing myself to accept it all as real, just on different levels. Anyhow...I guess I answered my own question with that.
Actual Question:
So, my real question is that today I mind-scaped (mind astral travel) back to a place where I had left part of myself. For a long time I wanted Peace and it might sound weird but I found a place for that deep with a dread and fear (how it felt in myself). It's really not a healthy thing so I wanted to recover that portion of myself, and I did but in doing so I found what felt like an extension of myself there as well. Basically two aspects were in this place, a weak fearful self and my neutral dark spiritual self that I separated from myself a long time ago. I've been really vulnerable without it, and I could go on about the benefits and necessity of needing your primal dark to survive and be healthy, but it's tough to trust that part of myself again. I think it's purely my Ego though (sabotaging me), it still wants control...and I need to work that out still so I can reach a point where I can simply BE, rather then continue working toward my ideal self.
So my question is how does one subdue their Ego? Either in process or practice that would lead to more fully understanding how to deal with this problem.
I've been going through a really broken-up process of Kundalini cycles for a long time now. Whenever I go off my meds I slip back into it, build back up to an awakening and get defeated when I have to deal with the shadow that lies in my personal Ego. Then I have to recover, from it as well as other problems that can develop, and it's a really harsh process when it goes on too long and my mind begins getting warped in dealing with my darkness. Anyhow, any help or constructive thoughts would be well appreciated as this has been my focus for the past 13 years or so.
My Personal Answer:
I think my answer lies in reuniting with that dark portion of myself and gaining strength from that, and primarily just trusting myself to do what is right. I'll face that soon, thank you for listening and for the help so far (I feel I already caught someone's attention). My strongest positive aspect transcended an moved on a few years ago...so I pulled it back and drew the dark aspect up and I'm reforming my spirit so I can move on, finally. I'll let you know how it goes.
:
So, to explain this more fully I'll need to go into some background on myself. A good long time ago back in 2002 I had an epiphany that resulted in myself being reborn (spiritually) overnight after performing rudimentary ritual magic (I didn't know what that was at the time) in raising energy overnight into the morning, going into a trance and coming out of it very opened up spiritually. The ritual was very well intended, I wished goodwill for humanity and wanted personally to make a difference by bringing hope and happiness to the world. It's hard to fully describe but I still remember it well, I felt like a radio tower emitting pure goodwill...it was very powerful, but my mind wasn't at all prepared to deal with all of this. At a point a doubted myself after being hurt from hearing the opinions of people I trusted whom didn't think I could hear them, and the whole experience slowly turned negative from there. It was well intended but I was too young and inexperienced at the time to handle all of that. I sought help from councilors at school, eventually word got to my parents and eventually I wound up in a child's psychiatric ward for a month. I still don't remember the first two weeks but I was put on powerful medication that numbed me in a lot of ways and for the most part blocked out a lot of the spiritual things I was opened up to.
I've since recovered from most of that, doubt is still somewhat a problem for me (personal emotional doubt as to my ability) but I well understand that whole situation a lot better now. That was my first awakening and was a pretty mixed experience, to the point of me trying to be the person I was before it and somewhat succeeding. But some doors can never be closed, and I couldn't just let it go...so I'm where I'm at now. I understand a lot more about the phenomena of what happened to me (and what I created for myself) and generally understand a lot more now mentally and spiritually, and I can define the difference from my perspective. For a long time I tried intellectualizing spiritual things...and while some of those things can be understood in that way it's not best to do so, in my opinion. Doing that it moves them out of the context they're intended and it loses a lot. At a point I learned (with some advice from a good friend, actually) that with those things it's best to simply experience them and I developed an ability to understand spiritual concepts on a more fundamental level. I recommend learning to take those experiences within their context and let your intuition work it out, not your mind...my mind always made a dramatic mess with stories and explanations and really went the extra mile in the creative department to keep myself emotionally satisfied. Anyhow, I learned not to do that after a while or at least not to take those stories as more then myself creating drama in my mind as an outlet for this doubt and uncertainty. I think it would be easy for younger practitioners of any esoteric art that involved an extensive use of the mind not to get caught up with one's Ego and that to become the focus of your time and effort.
Since that awakening I've spent a lot of time learning to trust myself again (eliminating doubt), and finding personal methods to testing if what I'm experiencing is 'true' or not. I now understand that pretty much everything I experience is 'true' in the context of where it actually happens (in the mind, or astral, or wherever I happen to be with my experience of it). Most of my experiences have taken place in my own mind's eye. Aside from myself influencing things here in the physical world (which I don't do much of) and having some effect with either energy working or basic psychic stuff, all of my experiences have been limited to my mind's eye (perception), my energy body and my own mind for my experience of it. I don't know if this is common, I don't really expect to fully hallucinate and spirits or entities to materialize in front of me. But I know that I couldn't handle it if I fully experienced some of the entities that I've run into and factualized them into my reality by experiencing them like I would a physical person...it would be much much harder to dismiss as being 'not real' or at least not of the physical. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm still breaking down that idea of what is and isn't real to me, and I'm pushing myself to accept it all as real, just on different levels. Anyhow...I guess I answered my own question with that.
Actual Question:
So, my real question is that today I mind-scaped (mind astral travel) back to a place where I had left part of myself. For a long time I wanted Peace and it might sound weird but I found a place for that deep with a dread and fear (how it felt in myself). It's really not a healthy thing so I wanted to recover that portion of myself, and I did but in doing so I found what felt like an extension of myself there as well. Basically two aspects were in this place, a weak fearful self and my neutral dark spiritual self that I separated from myself a long time ago. I've been really vulnerable without it, and I could go on about the benefits and necessity of needing your primal dark to survive and be healthy, but it's tough to trust that part of myself again. I think it's purely my Ego though (sabotaging me), it still wants control...and I need to work that out still so I can reach a point where I can simply BE, rather then continue working toward my ideal self.
So my question is how does one subdue their Ego? Either in process or practice that would lead to more fully understanding how to deal with this problem.
I've been going through a really broken-up process of Kundalini cycles for a long time now. Whenever I go off my meds I slip back into it, build back up to an awakening and get defeated when I have to deal with the shadow that lies in my personal Ego. Then I have to recover, from it as well as other problems that can develop, and it's a really harsh process when it goes on too long and my mind begins getting warped in dealing with my darkness. Anyhow, any help or constructive thoughts would be well appreciated as this has been my focus for the past 13 years or so.
My Personal Answer:
I think my answer lies in reuniting with that dark portion of myself and gaining strength from that, and primarily just trusting myself to do what is right. I'll face that soon, thank you for listening and for the help so far (I feel I already caught someone's attention). My strongest positive aspect transcended an moved on a few years ago...so I pulled it back and drew the dark aspect up and I'm reforming my spirit so I can move on, finally. I'll let you know how it goes.