jokes..

[~¤LilacSky¤~]

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, 'So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.'
The priest replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.'

The rabbi continues, 'And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The rabbi replies, 'No... I think I'll just wait for the police.'


;D

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, 'Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.'
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'.
5. The recommended grace before meals is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!'.
6. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 'J.C. and the Boys'.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not 'Kick the shit out of him'.
8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
9. We don't refer to Judas as 'El Finko'.
10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as 'The Godfather'.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say 'Eat me'.
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't 'stoned off his ass'.
13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook'.
14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never 'Mary with the Cherry'.
15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's

[~¤LilacSky¤~]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

[pitchblend1000]

One afternoon, a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors here."

The E-flat leaves.

Then the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

[~¤LilacSky¤~]

thats cute.. I like musicians humor!!hehe..