Post by crazycat on Aug 23, 2006 19:22:31 GMT -5
This puts lawn care into a different (and humorous) perspective...
-----------------------------------------------------
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on earth? What happened to the dandelions,
violets,
thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance
garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply
with
abandon. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.
But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sodworms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a
lot of work.
ST FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn leaves
fall to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the
trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance
the
soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and
pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place
of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about....
GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
-----------------------------------------------------
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
going on down there on earth? What happened to the dandelions,
violets,
thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance
garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply
with
abandon. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.
But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to
kill
them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sodworms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a
lot of work.
ST FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn leaves
fall to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the
trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance
the
soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and
pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place
of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about....
GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
