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cancer
Jun 3, 2010 21:42:40 GMT -5
Post by ~~section8... on Jun 3, 2010 21:42:40 GMT -5
That's so great Lilac. You're finding the light through the darkness and that's the most important thing. It's great to have a spiritual awakening. Sometimes things happen so that we are able to move onto bigger things in our lives. [Hugs]
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cancer
Jun 16, 2010 18:45:56 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Jun 16, 2010 18:45:56 GMT -5
thanks sweety, yep I'm doing okay, just moved into a awesome place I know my mom would have loved it. ;D and Im thinking of doing tarot readings out of my home for some extra money, Im gonna talk about a bit on the tarot forum see what you guys think.
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cancer
Jun 17, 2010 18:17:22 GMT -5
Post by ~~section8... on Jun 17, 2010 18:17:22 GMT -5
That sounds like a wonderful idea!! I've been working on my tarot lately and it's quite a good experience.
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cancer
Sept 8, 2010 8:51:34 GMT -5
Post by existenceisadream on Sept 8, 2010 8:51:34 GMT -5
I know a little late but I'm so sorry lilac for your loss. I didn't know about it till just recently when I came back to this forum and you mentioned it in the lets get posing thread. Reading your april 29th post really got to me. Made me cry for your pain on that day and the days that follow. It's a very strange life we live. The joys and the sadness. Guess it's all a way existence keeps balance. I don't understand why the need for suffering and the such but hopefully all will come to light someday if not here in this physical form, then later when we leave these bodies behind. I know the older I get how I really start to think about my mom and dad and how all I want is for them to stay here for many years to come.
As you may remember I was the one that found my grandmother dead (I posted the dream I had at the exact moment of her passing here) Was a very surreal moment in my life. I was surprised at how calm I handled it. I did realize that she was suffering for quite sometime before that so knew that she was no longer in pain. It wasn't until her funeral when it really hit me hard.
Good to see that you're doing better now. I feel things moving in a positive direction. There's much still to live and learn.
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cancer
Sept 8, 2010 11:59:19 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Sept 8, 2010 11:59:19 GMT -5
pls call me Ronni, and thank you for your understanding, my mom was my best friend, my heart wil never mend prolly from this but inside of me lay so much more than loss , its aboutr love in the end..I have a story to tell about this but I dont know if im ready to tell it just yet, but when I do I know things wil make sense. the ironic thing is I lost my mom, my best friend moved 8 hours away after living 2 blocks from me and my boyfriend moved out..so I was left with no one...still have no one, however Im rising above this whole thing in my own way. us kids had to take care of my mom knowing she was gonna die soon, and one night it was just me and my neice, I panicked because my mom wouldnt take her pain meds so I called hospice, and Im telling you the lady that showed up was like a angel she was so sincere and wiling to make me feel better at all costs, she gave me a hug befofre she left..cuz I told her I dont know If i can do this, we sat at the table talking aobut life and how certain people can do such things, she really helped me. but most of the time it was us four kids, me and my twin and my older sis and bro...we took care of her, we rotated but the cancer was so bad that we ended up being there all the time I had to take a leave from work and it was them who decided to let mom go she has suffored long enough, so I was outnumbered but feeling overtaxed because my sister and brother live far away, so it left me and my twin to care for my mom...I trhought that was bs since they werent around all the time..omg it was just hard the entire situation but something magickal happend in the midst of it, my mom had brain cancer so she didnt know what was going on half the time. but listen she had a aweful day and all of us kids were there and I came in the morning round 7am, and I was talking to my siblings than all of a sudden my mom was so aware she said "ronni"? I said omg yah mom im here and it was a blessing because the day before she was like a coma, it was the strangest day ever because after that we conversed with her, my sister who is a nurse told her she was dying, and my mom knew, but listen I was left alone with her for a while, and I seen what my mom was seeing, she was preparing for death and I was there to witness it. because they gave us a handbook of what to expect when death is approaching, so I knew it was coming fast, my mom would ask to go in her room and be alone, she was never like that before she never would close us kids out ever, so that told me alot right there, and the book said they close themselves off, preparing for death, they chhose to be alone in order to recap their lives, its crazy omg my heart still is just in shock I trhink, butr she would go in her room and ask me to close the door, and she never closed her door so I knew what she was doing, mind you this was 2 days prior to death, however it was a miracle cuz she did come out and she sang and talked like normal, like she wasnt sick, it was crazy I honestly think something gave here a day with us kids to just laugh and sing, but partrs of the day were very odd and akward, I was laying on the couch trying to nap and I heard my mom talking to someone but she was alone, she was in her bedroom where she wanted to bethat day, and I went up to the door and i got a rush of energy, I cant explain it butit threw me back, and I panicked I called my sister I felt I was invading my moms dying process honestly, I felt I didnt belong there like the spirits were trying to tell me to leave, so I went outside for a bit and the feeling still stayed with meI told my sister that I was being pushed out and I shouldnt be here rightr now, she told me to calm down and go back in , in a bit. so I did and i opened my moms door and she was sitting upright looking down, I said mom are you okay, omg I was terrified that she was experiencing something negative, but she wasnt, she said I gotta go to the bathroom lol so I took her, than we sat out in the living room my sister called back, now the entire time my mom is looking half out of it, ...my sister the nurse called ;me andm I trold her how I felt and what was going on and I didnt like the feeling, she asked to speak to my mom, so i gave my mom the phone...and she was talking to my mom when all of a sudden my mom said "ma,...do you want me or suzy"? she had an empty look in her eyes, and i freaked cuz sue is her sister and i felt spiritrs around so that pretty much summed it up that my grandma was in fact there, my sister on the phone heard it too, so we both realized I was not panicking for nothing, , so me and my sis were talking and I felt soooo uncomforatble being there in my moms home I felt I shouldnt be there I got anxiety really bad I panicked again and again but soon later my brother showed up, and my mom was okay for the moment, she came out and talked with us, she told us she had dreams, she had a dream someone came into her room and ronni was on the bus too, thats what she said, I freaked out, cuz i thought maybe i was gonna die too, than she said , there was a ship they were all boarding...omg this is very hard , but she said they were waiting for us..and I was one of them, now listen she had brain cancer, she showed us things all the time, and I dont know if it was her sickness creating it or not, she loved dogs, so one day she was sitting in her bed and it was only me and my twin sister thier and she was looking out the window , she said oooo look at that lil brown dog...how cute," i went to the window to see no dog, and I looked at my sister like omg thers no dog, things like these episodes happend till she died in fact at one moment we were all in her bedroom she was on her bed where she wanted to be, she asked "are we in some kind of magickal show"? and we all looked at eachother not knowing what to thnk but we also were thinking the same that she was inbetween worlds constantly before her death, she was a wonderful woman, who loves animals she loved indians, she was differant, and my sister told me while my mom was sick she said "ronni...we are differant" I just started crying, then she said "we came here to teach love" and mom showed us that, we are differant kind of family" she told me that my brother and my mom and her were in a bad car crash years ago before me and my twin were born and they were riding with my moms best friend and son, and ya know what they died...yep my moms best friend and son and my mom, sister and brother lived...and they shouldnt have..and honestly this entire experiece has shown me so much how much love I really do have inside of me and how my heart is broken but I just want to give more love in order to mend it, and how close me and my sister became, not my twin, shes lost in drugs right now unforutuanetly, and my brother just took the bar, so hes pressured by that , so tis me and sara, sara waht a cool name for a nurse right, shes such a angel you guys, I love her so much, we have all the same books...how ironic lol...I was at her house going through her books and I told her omg I have all of these, so see, there is something more at work here, and maybe it is ourselves, but im willing to accept that fact because I have no parents now only my siblings and my brother is ten years older than me and my sister 12, and my twin...so maybe there is more here we are not seeing but its there, and my mom raised us alone btw so she is the ultimate light bringer imo.
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cancer
Sept 8, 2010 12:06:55 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Sept 8, 2010 12:06:55 GMT -5
It still distrubs me that my mom seen me on a bus I was jumping up and down..lol...she seen me as a child I know it. because the very first memory I have of love is that, I was on a bus dancing, hopping and i missed my bus stop because i was so into it and i realized it later and started to cry because I ddint know where I was and the bus driver took me home and I ran to my mom, and I just remember hugging her forever. omg and I pray all the time to see her in my dreams, and I have I think I have..and all us kids always tell eachother each ones dreams and such in order to make sense of things, we are very close I think that its what its all about, and my mom such a awesome lady, always rescued animals and always gave compasioon to those less fortunate when she had nothing..trust me she gave me and my sister money when she had none...I just feel bleeding now because when I lived with her we would fight sometimes face to face, she was taking pills for years for depression and I told her they truth that there bullshit pills and I was pissed, at least I was honest with her..I gotta stop cuz I can go on forever and its just breaking my heart all over again.
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cancer
Sept 9, 2010 9:25:05 GMT -5
Post by nani on Sept 9, 2010 9:25:05 GMT -5
the only way to express what i feel when i read all this is that im deeply touched... and i know much of what you say and think and feel from my self as well.. so much magic was happening when my mom passed, it was just a total different world and perception then, so tremendous wide and vast.. Ronni you are the keeper of her love, the messenger of her love, the one who passes her loving gift over to others, so she still effects our earthworld with her divine love... and we in truth all will never be seperate.. and consciously reunion some day... till then we fight for life and for the good and for betterment for this suffering earth-plane... lets keep on being strong as much as we can, but also allow us to deeply cry and miss.. till there is a next sudden impuls of laughter coming through out of our deep selves which never lost connection to all what is.. burning pain and freed laughter are indeed like siblings on this reality-plane... big hug to you...
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cancer
Sept 9, 2010 9:36:46 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Sept 9, 2010 9:36:46 GMT -5
bless your heart nani, thank you and Im sorry about your mom as well I think I remember when that happend, so I return the big hug to you!!! and thank you for understanding, because I feel those around me dont quite understand or know what Im truley feeling and that can be hard to deal with sometimes because I end up feeling alone alot, but that is when I call one of my sisters or family members and they make me feel better:)
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cancer
Sept 10, 2010 9:34:16 GMT -5
Post by nani on Sept 10, 2010 9:34:16 GMT -5
just wonna add Ronni, its not so long ago.. so whenever you feel like telling, sharing pain or whatever referring to this please feel invited to keep doing it here, share it, whatever it is.. its not only the want to try to bear a bit of it with you, but also the fact that with any little participation of your feelings and healingprocesses also the hidden feelings of my/ones own stories and experiences are touched and get chance to be seen and healed over again on a deeper level... dont know if i can express well what i mean.. just that sharing, not only the nice and easy things, but also the deep and heavier things, i find so important in this world and i often miss to see it practiced more around... in my eyes those heavy things do not only belong to our world, but are carrying the biggest initiations for us body-mind-souls... for me you are a very strong woman yet since i met you first time, though this what happened to you now probably is and will be comparable to an inner quantization of unpredictable positive power and value finally... i have lots of respect for you and would wish that you have much more love and help around you. Hug, nani
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cancer
Sept 12, 2010 7:28:05 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Sept 12, 2010 7:28:05 GMT -5
awww thank you nani that means much to me and I understand what your saying here, and I agree becasue Im still in the grieving process my god it hasnt been that long, only four months and it feels like eternity since I talked with her, thats the part that kills me I cant call her or stop bye to bring her food or take her dog out for her, ugh...its all too soon still I think and it seems like its getting harder to deal with but I know it will get better eventualy. and your right about lettin it out and expressing all feelings because I have so many that need sorted out and some I dont even understand and being able to come here and talk freelying about it is a wonderful gift and Im thankful to share it with all of yous.
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cancer
Sept 12, 2010 16:12:05 GMT -5
Post by crazycat on Sept 12, 2010 16:12:05 GMT -5
Gosh Ronni, I didn't know. I grief to hear of your loss. I cried reading through all of that and feeling your pain.
Maybe cried a little more for my own loss of my mother 2 years come this Dec. 12th. It was just this summer I was went back to my brothers house since she pass over. It did not seem right without her being there. It's not that I had not seen by brother and all, in that linked of time, I just had not been back to his house. My mom lived with them. We had other deaths in the family during that year and half. Three deaths in my family and two in James family that years time.
The morning my mom died, I was not there in the phyiscal, but at the time of her leaving I was there in a dream with her and my three sisters who had died before her. My grandmother and my dad was there too. They had gathered for her crossing over. I did not realize that she had passed in that moment, but just after waking from that dream, my sister-in-law called and told me she had just passed. But she didn't really have to say anything, when the phone rang, I knew it was her and what she was going to say.
Grieving can be a long process, the best thing is just to let the tears flow every time your thoughts and emotions rise up. Don't tried to hold them back.
My mom had told me 6 months before she died that she was ready to go, so I was sort of prepared. She stay as long as possible for my youngest sister, who just couldn't let go. My sister could use some prayer, she has been in a lot of grief for two years now over my mom's death and the loss of her oldest son last summer. She has been really taking it hard. I am worried about her, she came very close to having a mental breakdown when I was up there in June. It was something I said that caused her to just totally loss it that day, but she really did need that, it helped her to do some letting go. She was a little better when I went back to see her about 3 weeks ago, but she still has a ways to go.
I am so sorry Ronni for your loss. I knew how close you were to your mom from your writings through the years. I had been praying for you and her through all this time I had been gone from here. I said a prayer every time Spirit brought you to my mind.
Sending you love and a big hug! Linda
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cancer
Sept 15, 2010 10:53:34 GMT -5
Post by ~¤LilacSky¤~ on Sept 15, 2010 10:53:34 GMT -5
aww cc, I know its difficult, and Im sorry about your mom as well. and my sister is going through the same thing but I fear she can not be helped, I dont wanna get into her life story on here but she is taking it very hard and sometimes I feel I can barely summon enough strength for myself to endure ya know. I guess what it comes down to is us sticking together, we are all we have really and if someone pushes us away like my sister I guess I have to push back in order for her to realize shes not alone, none of us are really and I realized that without loss i can not be the person I am today, and I dream of my mom all the time, its almost as if shes here everyday its so odd sometimes how I feel. I wonder how many dreams of mine are just made up images of her or real ones ya know....my older sister and I talk about this all the time and we both think that it is her trying to communicate or vise versa. I dont know but my heart has been empty since she is gone, and I know that nothing can replace it and my heart will prolly never mend but she deserves that unconditional love, Im just returning it to her over and over again.... its crazy it still feels so un real for me and I know my family feels the same, it was one of the saddest days ever for so many people that loved my mom, and I was surprised at how many people actually reach out when these things happen, people you wouldnt think would ya know. it just go's to show that we are a nurturing/supportive race over all:) and by understanding, we come together for sure. thank you for your prayers linda as well,....it was a rough four years while she battled all that, but Im glad I was with her the entire time, giving her strength. HUGS TO YOU LINDA!
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